Not an easy mission it turns out, haha or is that bo-hoo.
WFT did I sign up to? An out the blue opportunity to go away and spend 3 months to see if I could be better, healthier. ‘Heal yourself! Let go of the old patterns of pain and dramas.
A 3 month intensive healing retreat deep in the heart of Scotland’s ancient Kilmartin Glen Lands. A pilot programme opportunity using all my fav writers, scientists, nutritionists, speakers, innovators, in their specific fields for well over twenty years and here was an opportunity to steep in it and see if after 40 years of working on myself I could at last make a breakthrough. Possibly at age 63 the last change by hearing those influenced by my favs!
I feel I’ve been stuck for many years after reading all, researching this, trying that and the other new ways of healing, being, releasing and although many helped and I trained and practiced a few therapies, I stopped since my second son was born and other physical and emotional infringements gathered momentum. I feel I gave up on any real change from where I was and really had consigned myself to old age and limiting mobility, no money for eating out, treats and holidays. Being on benefits was the way it was and is.
So after a message of an opportunity to go and 4/5 days to get ready/cancel all I was doing. Volunteering at Galgael Glasgow and local hospice charity shop, plus my constant sanity of Philosophy Class once a week for past 6/7 years. All had to be dropped to go.
What can I say now we’re 7 weeks, nearly 8 weeks in, apart from ‘This is not an easy mission’, this taking responsibility for our thoughts, words and actions. This being accountable to our own soul for the trickery and distractions we used to justify and validate our perceptions, our reality. How we will fight and kick, huff and puff to hold it tight. How we think we’re sorted and it’s everyone else that has the problems. Our ‘this is just the way I am and nothing much can change that’ or the only if something or somebody will change and everything will be better. What a crock of shit that has turned out to be for not just me but for most of us.
This experience has been intense, amazing, magical, exasperating, hurtful, a bloody nightmare, a beautiful sacred blessing, a Test to the core, a synchronistic, timeless journey that words can’t really express and the knee jerks of living with others are bloody incredible reflections.
If I’d known the extent of buttons it would press I most probably would have said No but then again there’s a strong part of me that’s aware of the world’s dramas and my own and know it’s now time for all of it to be brought out to be addressed and healed.
My history is one of trauma and retreating away to concentrate on bring up my second son as a single parent again and now he’s sailing happily along it’s been time for me to dig down these past few years. So now we’re half way into Heal Scotland Helpyourcell and I’ve not ran away (been very near it many times though) but I have to finish and focus these last 4 weeks on finding my willpower and discipline to leave here with the knowledge needed to make real changes through integrating what we know to be an absolute truth now. That we can alter how we think, feel and act out in our reality. I knew but couldn’t do it by myself it seems. We need support and community back for sure. I’ve know for many years we are infinite and consciousness having our different dimensional experiences and science proves without doubt now that’s trust, but putting it into practice is a different story when our reality is set up to prove the exact opposite (but that’s a different story indeed).
Can I go from this experience with more confidence, strength, compassion, understanding, less stress, clearer mind, more control and less pain, fatigue and discomfort. YES for sure is the answer because I’m already experiencing all of this. Can I make major life changes knowing what I’m integrating and know from scarcity and exclusion, from no real self worth or idea of why I’m here? ‘Yes’ because I already see my worth for the first time in my life.
I’m open minded but although still can’t hold a vision of my magnificence and my creative potential, I’m willing to trust it’s showing it’s face. My face that craves more light now. Who knows really but something is shifting for sure, ‘I feel it in me Water’.
So many stories, so much pain and hurt in our Beautiful Scotland (and everywhere) and yes it’s crucial to be heard but even more so it’s crucial to ditch the repeated patterns of pain, sadness, grief, anger, regret, it onlys and it’s ifs, buts and maybes, from identifying our reality. We are so much more than our PAINS and we have forgot who we really are inside. Ancient Sacred Beings waking up now. Who knows what will happen when we finish here but all I know right now is Lilia Sinclair is one helluva woman and her patience, love, trust, vision and unending focus is astounding to behold and an absolute opportunity and I with all my heart and soul hope she is proven right. ‘We can Heal’ and Scotland could be one glorious inspiration for the rest of the world.
If it can happen with us apathetic but brilliant Scots it can happen anywhere.
Thank you Lilia and Hilary for your support and kindness. I can only hope and trust at the end of this I can live and be the best version of me and help others to ripple it out so that all your incredible hard work can be put into practice.
PS At home my shed is my sanctuary and my compromise here is to have my car here in place of my shed. That’s where I go to have my one joint (small) and listen to my audio book (plus the view without midgies). My me time has been essential for my Scottish compromises of keeping it real and human.